#it is what it is ultimately theres not much i can do other than make a silly post about it xD
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juniemunie · 5 months ago
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"Why am I still doing this?"
"Don't you get it?"
"This is all just a show... and we're playing parts~"
#junie art post#utmv#ink sans#swap sans#dream sans#yea that lyric is from the undertale musical... it was fitting#anyways#you know how back then star sanses were 'fight evil (bad sanses) do good!!' i mean... it still is. but back then it was more...innocent?#*looks at the steven universe star sanses cover i saved on my phone*#ultimately tho...how much do u think ink plays along with that as nothing more than a script given to him#because really. ink is more of a stagehand than a stage performer#and for ink that job comes with knowledge that makes it hard to perform#like you guys ever think more about how ink struggles to view the people around him as “real” (like him) and not characters?#i think about it a lot.#especially. in his 'star sanses' era#to me theres always this nonchalance(?) he treats other sanses 'backstory' and maybe the character themself if he interacts with them#because he cant really treat them as 'real' people#you get what i mean???#THAT DOESNT MEAN HE STAYS LIKE THIS FOREVER. HE CAN GET DEVELOPMENT. LOOK AT ZEPHYRTOP RP. PRIME EXAMPLE.#you see i imagine star sanses as like this cute tv show like madoka magica. starts off cute. ends with you in a crisis#dream is easily the protag in my eyes. comes out with no clue how long its been and explores with fresh eyes. meets swap. meets ink#then they fight evil! cool multiverse exploration! undertale shenanigans!!!!#dream and swap go thru their character arcs#and ink stays suspiciously stagnant#until we get THIS reveal and theres that implication that hes been also behind the scenes nudging things along to 'improve the story'#'anything for the entertainment of the Creators!'#ISNT THAT MESSED UP?? ISNT THAT G R E A T#utmv fanart#ink!tale#underswap
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jessiesjaded · 1 year ago
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It is funny sometimes seeing people get uppity about translators not doing exactly 1:1 translations of media, whether it be a book or a game or a series- and I get it from the perspective of say, 90s and 2000s anime adaptations that completely altered plot points, completely nixed entire lines of dialogue or alter characters enough that they were barely reminiscent of the original- think Sailor Moon and how the US dub censored anything gay in it. Those complaints I understand, completely.
And then with the advent of translating tools sometimes a company has pretty clearly been cheap or lazy and has just slapped it into an online translator and hodge podged it together, losing a lot of important details along the way, just to save on paying a proper translator and that is something I find absolutely shitty and extremely fair to point out- especially when it's a big corporation.
But the flipside people seem to forget is that sometimes there's not an exact word to translate to. Sometimes translations done to T will lose the humour or the feeling of the original so the translator will change it just enough to still get the expression across in a similar way as the original without bogging it down or losing its charm- localising something isn't always a bad thing as long as it overall stays true to the original. Translation is an art at the end of the day, sometimes whats on the page needs a little extra help to really pop, I have a lot of respect for the people who put in the effort.
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startistdoodles · 2 years ago
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Day three of no rtdldx and I'm showing symptoms
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dapperrokyuu · 1 year ago
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Read ~60 chapters of Chainsaw Man today, WHEWWWWW-
#dee p thoughts#overall review so far: pretty good. author's style is very distinct and potentially offputting/unhinged so I 1000% get someone not liking#this for that reason. theres a lot of food for thought to chew on among it so I enjoy it tho. but I do think the plot in terms of arcs and#how they tie into character development/progression can be very...fast and sudden? couldve used more time to make the progressions more#gradual and natural feeling imo which is where I think the anime expanding on scenes enhances this. ex: aki's care for power and denji is#very sweet but it also feels a bit sudden in terms of...well how to word this? like it ultimately MAKES SENSE but the turning point makes i#feel like his care stems from them almost dying reminding him of himeno as opposed to. caring about them afdadljbkndlkj- yes its establishe#that aki views denji kind of as a little brother but they couldve had the trio cook a little longer imo like at that point I dont really#feel aki has had much connection to power either tbh but...I get it I get why lol-#THO I WILL GIVE THAT THE SUDDENNESS FEELING MAY STEM FROM ME READING ~60 CHAPTERS YEAH. just like? denji's relationship with makima has mor#gradual progression than the trio's imo which makes sense but we should strengthen the trio bond for extra impacttt-#thinking deeper I do think aki has individual moments with denji and power has individual moments with denji so its probably the lack of ak#interacting with power that makes me feel the trio isnt fully baked lol. kind of just shown annoyance and then happiness at her not throwin#vegetables and now you dont want her to die I guess thats what makes me feel something is missinggg#which makes sense at the end of the day I guess? whats important is their relationship with denji not each other? but eh still I guess we'l#jot this down as a personal preference of mine
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neonacidtrip · 2 years ago
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I see these types of posts every now and again, and it’s only just occurred to me to share some knowledge:
Lines
Lines are often the heart of drawings, and they tend to be the part artists will draw over and over and over again to get them juuuuussssssttttttttt right. Pointing out lines you think are well done will go a long way to compliment an artist.
Your lines are dynamic! (Good for action pictures, art of an intense scene, or art that conveys movement, like a character running)
Your lines are so clean! (Good for neat lines of various sizes. These lines will feel like a coloring book, where you could color inside them yourself if the art was black and white)
Your lines carry such depth! (When lines cross over each other, they make a flat picture look more real, almost like 3D)
You’re good at drawing intricate lines! (Curling lines? Curvy, wavy, bendy lines? Lines that weave around each other? Many, small lines detailing an item like filigree or a robot’s parts? Those are intricate lines, baby)
You make great use of line weight! (In general, the human eye will be drawn towards very thick lines. Artists will use this to make you focus on a certain point, like a character’s face, by using thick lines around the face and thinner lines everywhere else)
You do amazing lineless art! (Not all art has lines! If you see a picture without any lines, make sure to tell the artist you noticed their hard work!)
Your line colors are fantastic! (Not all lines are done in black or white. Some artists will spend a lot of time choosing what color to make their lines. Show them some love!)
Color
Your colors are so vibrant! (Bright colors! Colors that pop! Colors that instantly grab your attention!)
The saturation is great! (A very bright color is highly saturated, and a very dull color is low saturated. High saturation colors can hurt the eyes, so an artist with good saturation control knows how to use bright colors without hurting anyone’s eyes)
I love your color choices! (This can be used for all color schemes; it’s a more general compliment that praises the artists for their understanding of color theory)
Your colors feel like home! (Good for cozy colors. Warm colors that aren’t usually super bright. They make you feel all warm inside. If you picture a cozy cottage in the woods, you’d probably image these colors)
Your pastels are so pretty! (Muted colors usually fall into the category of “pastels”. These are soft colors that are meant to be calming and non-oppressive on your eyes. Think: The opposite of vibrant)
Your colors are so soft! (Similar to the above two, this is for a picture that makes you feel soft and warm and fuzzy inside. It’s more directed towards warm and pastel colors instead of vibrant colors)
Your ability to blend colors is fantastic! (Putting two different colors right next to each other can look jarring or choppy, so many artists will blend two or more colors together to make things look more natural and appealing. A good example is giving a character a subtle pink blush on their otherwise skin-colored cheeks)
You are super good at choosing color palettes! (Good for when the artists regularly chooses colors that just feel like they belong together. Best for when there are only a limited number of colors in the picture)
Your colors are so clean! (Layering color on top of color on top of color can make everything muddy and dull. Artists who blend things well will have “clean colors”. Likewise, some artists intentionally avoid blending to make simple, bold art, in which case their colors are very, very clean)
Light and Shadow
Conveying light and shadows can be really hard. It can take years to understand how lighting works, and it’s even harder to put your knowledge of it into practice. It can be done with colors, lines, textures, and many other ways.
Your lighting is so good! (A general compliment for any time you see good use of lighting. If you’re unsure, check the eyes and the face of the character, as they often have the most highlight to them)
You made great use of shadows here! (Good for when a dark area really captures your attention)
Your shadows feel so alive! (Artists can be really creative. They make dark areas that seem to move or curl or otherwise just be alive on the paper)
The lighting is so soft and gentle! (Like before, this is for art that just makes you feel soft inside! I think of a character maybe surrounded by light in a field of flowers when I imagine something like this)
You balance your shadows so well without making things too dark! (Using lots of dark colors to make shadows can make the picture hard to see, and details can get lost. If you see a picture with lots of shadows, but you can still easily see all the details, then the artists has really good balance and color control)
Your contrast of light and shadow is amazing! (Good for when the artists uses lots of both light and shadow! You often see pictures with a stark difference between the two, like a character standing in the light and the other falling into shadows, but you can also see good contrast in a more standard setting, like a city-scape set in the afternoon)
Details
Pointing out details is one of the fastest ways to make an artist feel seen. It’s harder to give examples for this because it will really, really boil down to the individual picture. The general rule is if you see something you like, say it! Try looking for things to point out, like:
A character’s expression (”She looks so angry!” or “His expression is so sad, I’m going to cry!” or “Wow! I can really tell what they’re thinking just from that expression alone!” or “You draw expressions so well!”)
Little things a character is doing/holding/etc. that may get overlooked (”I noticed you even clenched his fists! Good job!” or “I love her tiny hair clip!” or “You painted her nails to match his eye color! I love it!”)
Details in the background/landscape (”I love the little bird nest you included in the tree branches!” or “The way you draw water is so pretty! I wish I could swim in it!” or “Is that’s Character B’s hand in the background? So cool!” or “That is the softest cat; I want to pet it!” or “That food on the table is the tastiest thing I’ve ever seen!”)
Clothing! (”Her dress is so pretty!” or “Wow, you do such a good job drawing suits!” or “Her t-shirt is so funny!” or “That hat is so cute by the way!”)
The general idea here is just to say whatever comes to your mind, whether it be literally pointing out the obvious (example: “I love that you drew this character wearing a flower crown! Flowers are so pretty!”) or pointing out how the picture made you feel (example: “This picture makes me so happy, I wish I could eat it!”). Just say what you like about it. You don’t need to know fancy art terms. Saying “Your blues are so blue!” is a perfectly wonderful way to describe the three different shades of blue the artist used to draw an ocean. As long as you aren’t criticizing, you can’t really go wrong.
me, absolutely not an artist, desperately trying to articulate how much i like adore people's fanart: ouughgh the colors. there are so MANY of them!!!! and the lines,,,,,,,,,, they are made of lines.. impeccable
#this took longer to type than expected lol#there is so much to be said on such a topic#ive found that just saying 'very good' and pointing out a detail goes very far#'the flowers are very good!' or 'the eyes are very good!' or 'the lines are very good!'#and you can mix it up with synonym like 'fantastic' and 'wonderful' and 'beautiful' and even 'heart breaking'#art should make you have feelings and that includes sad and angry feelings. let the artist know the feelings came through#theres also a lot of overlap. shadows can be lines. lines can be colored. lighting shows details. etc etc#keysmashes also go a longggggg way and so do emojis like hearts and happy faces#i complimented an artist once by pointing out that they did a good job showing the character had curled their toes#and she reached out to me personally to thank me because i was the only person to mention it#and i think she had spent like half an hour working on that part? maybe? either way she felt seen and appreciated#which is the ultimate goal. let the artist know their time and effort didnt go to waste. you saw what they did and thank them for it#even if 100000 other people have already pointed out a detail you should also point out that detail. no such thing as too much love#and most compliments arent too weird. you can say you want to eat their art. you can say you want to bottle their art and drink it#you can say you want to print their art and hang it on your ceiling. you can say you want their art at your wedding#those are high compliments and arent seen as weird or obsessive#i told someone i made their art my desktop background at work and i think it melted their brain lol in a good way#also! you can point out the medium! if its done on paper with pen tell them they do beautiful traditional art!#if its done on a computer tell them they are great at digital art!#tell them their brush strokes are beautiful!#you can also just default to 'youre such a good artist!' and 'you draw so nice!' and 'you make great art!'#the word 'wow' also goes a long way. 'your lines are just so... wow!' or 'And those colors! wow!'#'id like to stare at this for the next 10 years please and thank you' is always a good one#just speak your mind and be kind#neo speaks#neo rambles#art#compliment your artist#compliment art#art appreciation
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fellator · 5 days ago
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but also im kinda sorta worried about him because a lot of the things he said (not only this specific time, but also like. all this time they've been fighting) really sound like the way i operated when I was having Really Bad depression and being sort of a fucking asshole about it
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ancientgoddessofegypt · 3 months ago
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Astro Observations Pt.. ????
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No, I cant keep up with the number. Lol. Lets go!
7th house placements def need to pick a side. They also need to put their foot down. Never let people who disrespect you back in. And if you're going to cut off one person for doing it, you gotta do it with everyone else. Just cause they relationship is long term doesn't mean much.
10th house placements need to focus on the things they truly love vs always digging into what they need to do for their career. Worry less about your ambitions from time to time and enjoy the flow. I know ti sucks but, you gotta relax a little.
Sun/Pluto placements can have a lot of rebirth experiences, but one thing that is important is their for growth. Which always seems to come through transformation, but not all the time. It comes through people, and the expression of being around people who love you. Thats what transform them the most. They need the world to truly see them for who they are, other wise they will only show one side of them, and that will ultimately be the version they transform into but it will only kill them from the inside and not benefit them.
Venus/Neptune placements have an inkling for romanticism, fantasy and philosophy in their relationships. They need something that makes them breathe words of enlightenment, purity and emotion. They have the tendency to make things seem more than what they are, rose colored glasses are no match for them at times. A little insight on them is that their emotions can go a little array when they aren't surrounded by the right people. They tend to suck in energy like a sponge, this is neptune energy. But with them you can notice a small difference between them and their lovers, like is it making them glow or is it draining? Thats what they need to ask themselves at times.
Jupiter in the 11th house can proudly be the most optimistic friend in the group. They could become the leader of an organization. They could be the one people come to for advice on certain matters or they could easily be someone people go to when they want to learn more about something. Very charismatic and sharp. Stern but sweet. A little rough around the edges but they get things done!
5th house Suns have a universe of emotions that express themselves in all types of ways. They'll have kids that are just as sweet & charismatic as them. They are a NATURAL at making people laugh! They normally have gorgeous spirits and people do enjoy their company.
Gemini placements have an alluring nature to them due to their minds. Their mysticism is through the art of words and are very tricky individuals. They have come here to master the mind and find ways to fully express their intellect in hopes to connect with as many as possible. They are a one of one when it comes to this area of life.
Moon in the 1st are seen as thoughtful, loving sweet creatures who everyone seems to be super fond of. They hide a lot of their emotions but sometimes we can tell when they're not okay.
Theres just something about them that brightens a persons day. They try to make a good example to others by the why they embrace their feelings and this usually inspires others to do the same.
Sun square neptune - Might be in the wrong crowd from time to time. Has to stay sober most of the time, getting into drugs and alcohol can be addictive and might not be worth it at times. Genuinely misunderstood. Might need a doctor to figure out why they act the way that they do (all jokes).
Very spiritual, this is contained tho. They dont really open up to people about religion or anything connected to spirituality/God. Its their own thing, and its very special/private to them.
Moon/Uranus placements - Needs a doctor. Okay im joking lol. Anyways their lucky to have this one because their minds are very capable of entering into mass amounts of information that is truly locked away from the rest of the world. Like their neptune friends, they have a connection to divine sources that strikes down to them from time to time almost like a brain blast. Could be a oracle, psychic, someone who just knows whats going to happen in the next years to come etc. Could be really creative too.
4th house placements can be friends you can depend on all of the time. They have a warm, soothing personality and their the type of friends you grow up into adulthood with.
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bandtrees · 4 months ago
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this has always been one of my favorite lines in this scene it’s so striking to me. i think debating over callum’s level of lucidity and what can or cannot “fix” him is deeply antithecal to what the story is trying to express with him - but the idea that callum is still there and still a person who does have the capacity to love mingus, just not in a way she can ever comprehend or accept, because she can't comprehend or accept anything outside her narrow worldview, is sooooo good.
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there is no way of actually knowing if callum is proud of mingus, much less recognizes her at all - but it's added to by the fact there's only so much of that she would accept even if he could. ultimately, she wants validation and power, his prestige, from him, she wants a supportive parental figure she never had - there's only so much of that callum is able to provide even in a world where her stint to fix his memory actually worked. he's like a hundred. he never even MET her. to say nothing of all he's missed in the past fifty-odd years. to say nothing of how his age may have messed with his mind deteriorating even without the pre-existing brain damage.
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and mingus' phrasing here implies he doesn't even look at her when she visits - which brings me to the visit that radicalized her: the one after her surgery, where he was watching gingi out the window.
obviously, callum watching gingi is mostly for the thematics of it all, how similar the two of them are in ways mingus refuses to recognize, but theres also the thought of... callum's been sitting alone in that room for over half his life, barely lucid if at all. of course he's going to be drawn to a brightly-colored thing making noises and knocking stuff over outside. if he can't respond to stimuli of the people around him he's at the very least going to latch onto something more visually interesting than Brown Wall and Brown Figure.
but it's not like mingus can think of it like that, because she's internalized so much about her grandfather and built up such a specific, personalized vision of him - she doesn't see him as an elderly man with (a fictional equivalent to) dementia, she sees him as President Callum Crown™, the man she personally has to please and live up to the legacy of and make proud, disregarding the fact that's not something he has the mental capacity to even do - because she's so obsessed with validation and complete control that the only way she can get it is by either subjugating others and forcing it out of them (what she does with her townsfolk), or just completely projecting on someone who, for her purposes, is basically a blank slate.
which is maddening to her in its own way, see how crazy she drives herself trying to restore callum's memory in the first place - but also, would she be happy even if callum could see her for who she is? post-game, when she's working on herself, that's an irrelevant question as she's pushed past that need, but as we know her? absolutely not.
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i love the ch3 standoff between norm and mingus as a show of "Okay guys let’s see who can dehumanize this disabled guy harder (via pedestal-putting) and justify themselves for it better" and why i think it is so important that it’s gingi who reads the postcard and ultimately speaks for callum instead of either of them, or even the narrator. they can’t read, and they struggle to, but they manage to get it right even when people are telling them to stop. and the fact they’re able to do it at all, are given the chance to do so, and are ultimately the one to wind down this conflict shows that the world of dialtown, while not perfect, really is how callum would have wanted it.
both gingi and callum are some of the most altruistic and human characters ever, and the crux of their parallels is that they are denied this by close-minded people because they happen to Behave Strangely. it's why seeing mingus act the way she does hits so hard - she loves her paw-paw, yes, but if she were to see him in a vacuum, a one-limbed man who can hardly think, much less speak for himself: or even his younger self, who was struggling to make ends meet with his odd inventions...
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...well, the feeling norm's imagining here would probably be mutual. mingus' relationship with bigotry is a very fascinating one, she's very close-minded but views certain oddities (ie her flesh-head) as having earned their place and thus being fine - she's a freak too, by her own admission, but she's doing it for a just and wider purpose, so it's fine. which is, ironically, the ideology callum forced upon himself.
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callum was obsessed with helping people, pushing himself to do more and more, because it was the only way he ever found respect. if he didn't help people and have grand visions for the world and make himself "useful" to society at large, then what would he be, if not a freak?
mingus and her paw-paw are very similar people, from their well-intentioned extremism, to their stubbornness and paranoia, to their inability to view themselves as anything more than a vessel for that grand cause they believe in (callum in the dialup, mingus in restoring her paw-paw's memory) - which is funny, because if mingus was able to view callum, and herself, as a flawed human person, she would come to understand how similar they really are.
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:(
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gyuswhore · 11 months ago
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Remembrance of Ice
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"Fear does anything but land with precision."
PAIRING: ice king!xu minghao x fem spy!reader
SYNOPSIS: Xu Minghao rules over a land where the sun never rises and crops never grow, shunned by the world for their nature so ruthless it has them caged within their borders.
That is, until you land straight into the dragon's den to find the story untold.
CONTAINS: angst, fluff, enemies to lovers, kinda lore heavy, reader and minghao are in a perpetual spat, talks of military and political power, manipulation (not by minghao), ft. chan
WORD COUNT: 5.3k
masterlist
[AN]: MIKA DAY MIKA DAY MIKA DAY except im a day late bc I don't know how to time manage ANYWAY mika my love I hope you enjoy this you mentioned villain hao that one time and I stuck to it praying this is good ksjgnvrkjgn @toruro
id love to turn this into a longer, more detailed fic in the future, I really like this concept and theres loads more I could do with it. lmk if you'd like to see it hehe
edit: had to repost a couple times cuz it wasn't showing in the tags. it still isn't but idc anymore if this only reaches mika then so be it sgnkrtjg
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The cold was the worst. 
Your iced pride had been swallowed down to accept the flimsy cloth the guards that pushed you into this stone dungeon had given you. Not that it was doing much to help you, the thin fabric acting as more of a permeable layer than your gear.
Huddling into yourself, you breathe out warm exhales in the hopes that it’d do something about the face you couldn’t feel anymore. With the sight of your discolouring fingernails, you hope the people in this wretched place would decide what they wanted to do with you before you succumbed to the cold. There’s a bad taste in your mouth at the thought of dying a death like this – that the cold would become your ultimate demise. 
The croning of the metal doors of your prison wrench open in what feels like a deafening sound, the screech having you throw the flimsy blanket off your body in haste. You would not be seen taking advantage of their supposed kindness. 
The two guards that trudge in are quick to tell you to stand. You nearly laugh at the prospect of doing anything they ask. 
“What do you want?” your voice has eroded to a brassy sound. 
“Stand up,” the guard repeats, his face covered in the black balaclava that wraps around everything but spares his eyes. Cold, dark, soulless. 
Your pride screamed to refute. But you were at a dead end, and perhaps it was time to accept it. Eyeing the weapons strapped to both their waists, moreso the lack thereof of your own, you make the first attempt to pull yourself up. It’s difficult, you find, needing a moment to regain your senses before pushing up completely. You tried not to show it, not wanting to look weak in front of the very people you need to show strength. 
“Hands,” the other guard gruffs out. 
You hesitate before bringing your shivering wrists forward, cursing yourself for not being able to control your own body. The cuffs they bind to your wrists are somehow even colder, and you have to consciously bite back a cursed wince. 
Your resolve begins to truly thin when you struggle to simply take a few steps forward, the muscles in your legs frozen like everything else in the room. You manage to not fall. A commendable feat when your goals went from overtaking a couple of (very armed) guards to simply not falling over like a newborn fawn. 
You feel them lightly shove you out the gates, something you should not have struggled to recover from from, but alas, you can only grit your already ground teeth as you try to not tip over entirely. The halls of the dungeons are made of the same gray concrete as your cell, the tight corridor leading you out into an only slightly larger hall with a single door at the seemingly dead end. 
The large brass handle with the distinct reptile circling its expanse stares at you. You are forced to consider the idea that these may be your final breaths. 
One of the guards squeezes out into the hall and approaches the door, three sharp knocks to the wood before you hear a muffled “come in.”
Your feet remain planted to the floor as you feel another push of the guard that remains behind you, urging you forward as the other one stands at the door, expecting you to walk inside. Perhaps some would classify this as a moment of weakness, especially when all you’ve been taught is to face death with anything but fear. But it seeps into your bones regardless. 
You wonder if all those stories you were told of fearless soldiers and sheilds of humans were as lionhearted in their final moments as the storytellers claimed, as brave as the legends that followed. 
You considered yourself one of the best in your field, most of your peers agreed. And yet, that moment of hesitancy in the face of potential death caged you in an unimaginable retaliance. What on Earth was wrong with you? 
And so you moved forward, one foot in front of the other with resilience fueled by pure outrage at your own feeble mind. You would do as you were taught, you would march into the mouth of the dragon because you were not allowed to fear death. You refused to meet your end as a coward. 
The cuffs that encase your wrists burn at the skin as you walk into the room. It’s small, small enough to force you and the two guards to shift closer to keep from the man that stands across the room. 
You almost don’t notice him, which alarms you immensely. Regardless of the stark black attire that matches the dark, gloomy atmosphere of the tiny room, the man seems to blend into the shadows, becoming part of the walls. His back faces you as he looks out the window, like he’s invigorated with the snow that drifts to the earth. 
It’s nighttime. It’s always night time here. 
“The prisoner, sire,” the one in your left gruffs out. 
The man at the window turns to face you, the sight of his face causing you to bite back a gasp. 
His skin is the same colour as the snowflakes that fall behind him, near glistening white. It seems to make every other feature of his face stand out in earnest; the black of his eyes, the crimson of his lips, the dark of his hair. 
He’s gorgeous, you decide, but you also decide that you may be about to die at his hands. 
There’s also the matter of how he was addressed by the goons that flank you. Unless sire means something else in this godforsaken land, you should have realized who this is by now. 
Xu Minghao’s expression remains unchanged, the mild disinterest evident as he barely glances at you before taking a seat at the makeshift office area in the middle of the room. He leans back against the plush, finally regarding the other people in the room with words. 
“You can leave.” 
You hear the guards begin to file out the room. 
“Ah—take off the restraints before you go. And shut the door.” 
You want to describe what his voice sounds like, and while indifferent to another, it’s like a million icicles plunging into your eardrums. It isn’t until the guard blocks your view to unlock you that you realize how strained your eyes were, like it was draining to simply look at him. 
When both guards have left the vicinity, doors closed with a deep thud, you set yourself in steel. Just because he was about to kill you didn't mean you were about to make it easy for him. 
You wonder why a king was meddling to discard a mere enemy officer, but if you knew anything of their bloodthirst, this was a form of amusement. 
“Well?” you say, your voice still bare-there. 
“Take a seat.” He means the lone chair that stands on your side of the table. 
“No,” 
His eyebrows shoot up, “No?”
You stare at him, and it's the first time he’s looked at you for more than three seconds. 
“No,” you reiterate. “If you’d like to eliminate me, I’d suggest we cut to the chase. I don’t want your bleak hospitality.”
“Are you offering your head?”
“I’m asking you to quit the niceties. We know what you are.”
He studies you for a moment before continuing quietly, “Who is we?”
Your jaw is set as you calm yourself down, “The people who keep coming into your barren lands, only to never return. My people.”
“Your people that keep invading this barren land, only to find out that actions have consequences?”
“The mere thought of us is a consequence for you vermin,” you spit.
“Your people, you had said?” There’s a strange hint of jest in his voice, and it only infuriates you even more. 
“Yes,” you breathe out. 
“Your people who have not once attempted to negotiate your release from us vermin, I thought your people were known for your camaraderie. Especially for such an important soldier, do they truly consider you that disposable? ”
The low fester of embers had now ignited into a full flame, the rage becoming near indescribable. Aside from how heinous, you had underestimated how infuriating his kind could be. 
“You know nothing of me!” your voice is loud, your own shade of venom that laces your tongue. 
And then he says your name. 
You falter. 
He shouldn’t know that. You don’t have a nametag, nothing to identify you on any record, anywhere. And yet, you know what you’ve heard is your name that fell from his lips, undeniably so. 
He continues with the faintest sneer, “Captain of the SUN team, first in line from your peers for a promotion, and of course, right hand of your idiotic General of the Army.” 
You can't be sure if you’re shivering from the cold or the rage that courses through every vein in your body. Perhaps it was the latter as you feel your mind shortcircuit at the sight of his smug face. 
And, of course, with the way you lunge. 
It takes barely a second for your numb fingers to reach his pristine throat, curling with the need to rupture his airways beyond measure. It also takes him barely a second to step out of the way, causing you to thud into the table, fingers faltering as they grasp onto nothing. 
The air is knocked out of your chest, and you don’t realize what’s happened. He’s quick, and you’re out of shape. He’s on the other side of the table, hands in his pockets as he stares at your weak attempts at regaining your bearings. 
“This is the problem with your people. Why must your first response to any confrontation be to fight to the death?”
Leaping over the table, you attempt to corner him against the wall, only to find him leap over to the other side of the table when you advance, switching your initial spots. It might have even been laughable if you weren’t so heated, like children running around in circles in a lethal game of tag. 
He takes advantage of yet another moment of weakness you’ve shown, pushing the separating table directly into you, forcing you back as you stumble to hit the window. The opening is just enough to fit your waist, with no room for your legs to leap back over, locked in at the sides of the table that effectively cages your body between wood and glass. 
Your first instinct is to push the wretched thing back, but you realize very quickly that you can’t. It shouldn’t explain how he was able to cage you in a place like this, especially with his scrawny build. Unless he’s locked it in place somehow, you wouldn’t put it past him.
“What the fuck?” you gasp out to mostly yourself. 
“You’ve weakened, little soldier. I heard you were better than this.” 
“Let me go so I can prove it to you then,” you spit, still fruitlessly struggling against your prison. 
“Had your chance,” he states, hands in his pockets, an eyebrow cocked. “Of course, fear does anything but land with precision. I wouldn’t hold it against you.”
“What makes you think I’m scared of you?” 
“Oh, you are such a simpleton,” he narrows his eyes. 
“You haven’t been talking about anything of substance for someone who doesn’t claim to be scared. What’s holding you?” you gruff. 
He stares for a moment like he’s studying you. For some reason, your struggling falters, his piercing gaze leaving you wondering what he had up his sleeve. 
“You know you are weak. Your strength isn’t nearly where it had been when you arrived. I’ve also been told you’ve been starving yourself.”
“I said I don’t want your hospitality!”
“You were supposedly indifferent to everyone in the room, including the guards, but you kept your eyes on me like a hawk. The first mention out your mouth was of death.”
“Was I supposed to expect compassion?” you mock, but the desperation lingers in your voice. 
“Can’t be helping knowing nobody is looking for you,” he finishes. 
“Because you would’ve sent me on my way home if they were? Don’t make me laugh.” 
“Quite right, yes.”
“Like you did with the other soldiers that seemingly disappear in your lands?”
“Nobody asked, so we did not deliver.” 
“Lies!” It comes out as a near scream.
You think of all the stretched months that turned into inevitable years trying to retrieve your lost manpower. Of course, your higher-ups asked for hostage negotiations, did everything in their power to bring them home. 
Fitting for the man in front of you to deny it, but infuriating nonetheless. 
“And you’re wildly defensive,” he sighs. “You’re scared. Of being in enemy territory, of dying, of being alone. One or the other, that’s for you to decide.”
You want to scream again. 
“They lied to you, soldier. And I may be a villain in your self-written history books, but you will come to know of the harsh truth, from me or anybody else. You should know what exactly it is that you’re fighting for.” 
“What are you yapping about?”
He turns back around, moving to the door before rapping a knock. The guards re-enter the room.
“Take her to base.”
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“Chan?” 
He stands at the entrance of the tent, speaking to somebody in armor with a solemn expression. He turns around at the sound of his name, catching sight of you walking up. 
He breaks out into a smile at the sight of you, eyes going wide as he excuses himself to sprint over. You’re not quite sure if the fatigue is causing you to hallucinate, but with the way his face becomes clearer with every step he takes, you have to convince yourself that you’re not. 
As appropriate as it is to slam into him in a hug, considering you thought he was dead mere seconds ago, you can’t see yourself caring. 
“They told me it was you that arrived,” he says. 
“Oh my god, I thought you were dead. Everybody thought you were dead. How are you here?” you breathe into his ear. 
He pulls away slowly, and you note how he doesn’t meet your eyes. 
“Chan?” 
“There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s get you cleaned up first.” 
A lot to unpack there was, you realize, as the guards leave you with Chan when said to. The questions doubled when you entered the significantly warmer tent to find it swarming with familiar faces, busy working on tables littered with charts and papers, military symbols drifting overhead. 
Chan is quick to let you know that none of the ‘fallen’ soldiers were missing at all. In fact, were stationed here at this military base. 
Your gaping mouth renders no response as he fishes you both through the hustle and bustle of the industrial canopies, destination unknown. As much as you’d kick yourself for your lack of vigilance, you find yourself trusting him to take you wherever, your mind preoccupied with trying to absorb every detail of your environment.
If this was what sensory overload was, you’re not sure you like it blocking your thinking capabilities this much.
He lets you into another tent, littered with trunks and equipment, lit with a couple hardworking oil lamps. He goes to rummaging in random trunks as you watch. 
“What is this place?”
“Inventory. Clothes and a bunch of other stuff,” he says as he throws you a pile of fabric. “Here, change into this, it’s warmer.”
He leaves you alone in the tent to change, which you do quickly to meet him again outside. Moving the flap of the tent away, you find him out in the snow waiting.
It isn’t until you’ve adequately cornered him that you can ask. “Chan, are being held here against your will? Is everybody here—”
“Wait, hold,” he holds a hand up to silence you. “Just—let me explain.”
You’re rendered silent in a corner of this base camp, albeit a little warmer than when you came in with the effective coat you’re now shrouded in. Other than being lost in a mine of confusion, you notice the calculated expression on Chan’s face when you bring it up. Like he didn’t know how you’d react.
“There’s been a lot of lies our entire life. One’s that we didn’t realize till we landed here,” he starts, facing the endless plane of snow to the East.
“What on Earth are you talking about?” you ask, keeping your eyes steady on him.
“These people aren’t cruel, nor are they the animals we’ve been told they are,”
“Chan, what is wrong with you?” you take a step back in mild exasperation. 
“Listen, this sounds insane, but it’s only because we’ve been brought up to believe anything the government told us, anything our superiors drilled into our heads. I’d started having doubts while we were still home—”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Nobody wanted to tell you anything. You were more loyal to the General than you were to yourself!”
“I—because…” you falter. He was right. 
“They’ve taken advantage of the way this land refuses to retaliate. We’ve been in the wrong this whole time.”
“I don’t know what it is that they’ve been feeding you for so long, but this isn’t the Chan that left home all those months ago.”
“You’re right,” you hear, but it’s not Chan. 
Whipping your head around, you find the overlord himself walking to where you were. 
“Apologies for interrupting, but I think you’re needed back there, Chan,” Minghao informs him as he regards him.
You whip back around to Chan, “Wait, you can’t just—”
“Listen, it’s going to take you a little bit, but I promise you’ll see what I mean,” he reiterates. 
“This is absurd—” you start again but are cut off by him again. He lurches forward, grasping both your wrists in his, forcing you to pay attention to him. 
“Do you trust me?”
“W-what?” 
“Answer the question. Do you trust me?”
You stare at him, stumped for a moment. Did you trust him? Five months ago, before he left, you would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. Yet, now you find yourself hesitating. 
“Yes. I trust you,” you decide out loud. 
“Then give it time. You’re shaken, you’re exhausted, you’re confused. You’ll make your decision yourself when you see for yourself.”
He watches your shoulders droop ever so slightly, a clear sign of your surrender. “Fine.”
“Good.”
You turn back to find the other man long gone, the vast expanse of snow and darkness engulfing the plane that leads to the congregation of tents. Chan begins to lead you back, mumbling about how he needs to get back inside. 
It’s during your trudge that you realize there’s something that still bugs you, supposing you’d get your answer if you asked him. 
“What’s the king doing meddling in military bases and war prisoners?” you begrudgingly ask.
“He’s very… hands-on, I guess. He cares about what happens around here, his land, his people.” 
“Like a normal ruler?” you mumble in annoyance.
“When was the last time you saw the General leave his office?” 
You haven’t. 
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A month. That’s how long you’ve been at this base camp. 
Enlightenment may be an understatement to what this place is giving you, absurdities that they call the truth. Absurdities, as you may have called them a moon ago. 
This barren country did not have a military, you were told. These makeshift headquarters were made to keep up with the endless external aggressions from the other side. 
“They’re all people given the choice to stay. We needed the manpower. Military precision was never our forte,” Minghao explains. 
You hate how he has an answer to every critical question of yours, how you’ve gone past thinking this was some elaborate, well-thought-out story to put your guard down, to put everyone’s guard down. 
Sitting at this wooden table with maps and charts littering the surface, he looks you down from the other end. Chan remains silent next to you, knowing that if you asked, he would’ve given you the same response. 
“So you’re trying to build an army? To what, retaliate?” Your arms remain crossed over your middle.
“We cannot retaliate,” Chan says. 
“The difference in military power is too much, anyway. We can’t fight something that fights us in different ways,” Minghao finishes. He looks stressed, pinching the bridge of his nose. You watch him drag a chair to sit down. 
The majority of camp was resting for the day, leaving the base relatively empty save for the three of you. 
“Different ways?” you question.
You watch him close his eyes, running a hand over his face. “Chan, you told me she was smart.” 
“She’s having a harder time adjusting than I thought she would,” he chuckles humourlessly in response. 
“Are you gonna tell me, or do I have to take another month to figure it out on my own?” you snap. 
“What have you been told about our borders? Why is this land the way that it is,” Minghao starts. 
You don’t have an answer because you’ve never been told. The general was forever adamant that a land and its people were interconnected, that Minghao’s nation was as ruthless as the land itself was. 
“What about what you thought?” he tries again. 
“Nature’s weird, I don’t know,” you huff. 
“You were so loyal to a man that had no rhyme to his reason. How blind did you have to be—”
“Keep to the question,” you monotone.
He exhales before continuing. “This land is the incarnation of balance. It might not look like it, but we play the most important role in making sure your nations remain stable.” 
“Regular communities cannot survive in this weather, the livestock perishes, and crops cannot grow. Everything that makes humanity thrive remains absent here.” Minghao places his elbows on the table, hands clasped together. “But it remains like this here so the rest of the world can foster humanity; that’s the purpose of this land.” 
“A sacrifice of sorts,” Chan adds quietly. 
“My land remains lifeless so others may thrive,” Minghao finishes. 
“Why…why this land?” you question after a few beats. 
He leans back against his chair, “I don’t know. Perhaps my ancestors were cursed. Perhaps this is just what this land was made to do. All I know is that my mother and father left me the job of ensuring this place is protected, as their mother and father taught them. All for the sake of keeping balance.” 
It was wildly ironic that a place that was the definition of extreme was seemingly also harboring the balance to this world, but you found no jest in his words. You had also learned that it was the more unbelievable things here that would turn out to be most true, so you let yourself believe in whatever lore you had just unlocked. 
“So you can’t retaliate,” you echo. 
“Not if we wish to keep the peace, no.”
Chan chimes in this time, “This is all really just a misunderstanding that’s fallen into the wrong hands. The General’s a bloodthirsty fuck; this is just an excuse for him to retain power and satisfy all his sick fantasies.”
“How do we fix this then?” you dare to ask.
“We can’t,” Minghao says. “Not right now, at least. If we want to make a move, we have to grow as an entity. What your General doesn’t understand is how he’s feeding his own enemy whenever he sends some poor soldier our way.” 
“That’s what everyone’s been working on. The SUN team is nearly complete with you here. We need to equip everyone here with skills more than anything,” Chan says. 
“And then?” 
“And then we let the General know who’s side we’re really on.”
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Xu Minghao had a very peculiar way as King. 
Other than remaining in the same bunkers as the rest of the population, you don’t think you’ve ever seen anyone besides the guards address him as sovereign. He sat with everyone during mealtimes, spoke to everyone like a friend, yet remained the one in charge. 
Over the months, you remained the last newcomer of the bunch, learning slowly but surely of your new truth. That was, until your sixth month. 
It happened during breakfast, walking out into the dark sky to greet the person Minghao had told you was the newest aggravated prisoner. You knew her from headquarters, having seen her multiple times as she trained, but never learned her name. Her brows unfurrow slightly at the sight of you, recognizing you immediately. 
You try to stay as others who remain familiar to the newcomer speak to her, adding where your credibility was due. You underestimated how difficult it would be, not because she was being frustrating, but because she was frustrated. 
With every surge of exasperation she showed, every snarky remark to words of reason, you saw yourself. A strange, heavy feeling sets itself in your chest, making it difficult to speak, difficult to simply stand there as you watch her ideologies rendered as lies. 
So you excuse yourself, moving out of the way into the snow you’d learned to make a confidant instead of an irritation. It wasn’t strange to find somebody contemplating alone in the snow, the constant darkness ready to keep everyone company. 
You aren’t sure what it is that you want to contemplate, but simply sitting in the snow helps, allowing you to remain unstimulated. The weird feeling remained, but what also remained was your brain's inability to distinguish one from the other. 
You don’t know how long you had been sitting there, but are aware of the lighter sheen of blue that the sky has turned into when you hear trudging behind you. You turn to find Minghao approaching, halting a foot away. 
“Did you see the newcomer?” he asks.
“Yeah. They’re handling it, she’ll be fine.”
It falls silent once more. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t warmed up to the man in the past months, perhaps even enough to call yourself friends. Chan had quite the role to play in that. 
He invites himself to sit next to you in the snow, letting out a deep exhale that fogs the air. “I wanted to ask if you were okay.” 
You’re stumped. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well…” he chortles. “You’ve been sitting here for a good three hours, so I only thought it was natural to assume.”
“It’s not good to assume.”
“And that you can’t be doing too well seeing the newcomer.”
“...Got me,” you whisper, still gazing into the far-off mountains. 
“You can talk about it if you want,” he offers. 
“There’s nothing to talk about,” you sigh.
“Or is there too much to talk about?” he raises a brow. 
You’ve turned to look at him at this point, making out his facial features with the low light of the lamps that burn in the distance. 
“How do you do that?”
“What?”
“Know what I’m thinking about.”
“You’re easier to read than you think,” he chuckles. “Why? D’you think I’m reading your mind?”
“Seems like it sometimes.”
“Do you miss home?” he asks, albeit a little cautiously. 
“I do. I miss what it meant to me. I don’t think I could go back and feel the same way, though,” you answer. If he was trying to get you to open up, he was succeeding. 
“Why’s that?” 
You snort, “Obvious, isn’t it? Can’t call a place full of lies home. I can’t believe I let them manipulate me to that extent.” 
You think of the mental turmoil on the girl's face. 
“It wasn’t your fault. You were doing what you taught.”
“Other people found holes in the story, though. They saw the beginnings of what was really happening. I was so blind, they couldn’t even try to talk me out of it.”
“You can’t keep blaming yourself. It was the General’s job to be conniving. What use if his right hand could see through it. With how long it took you to come around, it only shows how dangerous he is.”
You remain silent as you absorb his words. There was truth to them, but you find it hard to dissolve it into your mindset. 
“What matters is you're here now, that you chose the truth despite what you’d grown to learn.” He’s staring right at you when he says it, something you find as you look up to do the same. 
There’s a lurch in your stomach, one that has your cheeks burning despite the temperature. 
“How do you not hate any of these people? How do you not hate me? We’re the reason your people are so detested,” your voice comes out shaky, yet thick with a weird mix of emotions. 
“I hate the ones that choose to be like this despite knowing what the truth is.”
“Like the General?”
“Like the General.” 
It’s silent as you watch him gaze into your soul, an uncomfortable feeling yet one that stops you from looking away. 
You want to kiss him. 
The thought alone has you jumping in place, shaking off the way your body seems to have seized up. You move your knees away in blatant ignorance, looking at anything but his face. 
“What?” he asks at your sudden change in behavior.
“Nothing!” you say, a little too loud to be considered casual. 
“Why’d you move away?” 
“I didn’t!” Of course, you realize how stupid you sound. You huff as you continue, “Just—I don’t know!”
“You don’t know what?” 
“Goodness, you need to learn to drop things.”
“Not when it involves me,” he says.
“Who says it involves you?”
“Do we need to go over this again?” 
You look at him in question, only to realize he could read you just as well as he could at any other instance. 
“You’re not gonna like it,” you finally say. 
“Try me.”
“Would you hate me if I said I wanted to kiss you?”
He pauses for an agonizing few moments, ones that make you feel like erupting into a ball of fire that could melt all the snow in the land. Your numb fingers fidget with each other, hating yourself as soon as the words come out of your mouth. 
Minghao uses his mouth in ways other than words when you feel it against your lips. It takes you a moment to realize what’s happening and another to let your body take control.
He’s kissing you so painfully slow it has you wondering if you’re imagining it, the feeling of his surprisingly warm lips on your frozen ones. You pull away for a moment, a question ringing in your mind. 
“I’m not making a mistake, am I?” you breathe into his mouth. 
“Absolutely not,” he says, diving back in with a force not present before. 
You throw your arms around him in instinct to keep yourself from falling back onto the snow in his newfound enthusiasm. Not that you can find yourself complaining, especially not when his tongue prods against your bottom lip, urging you to open up for him. 
You let him pull you closer, let him explore your mouth, let him hold you as you give yourself up to the feelings that now, after so long, have finally boiled over.
You’re both breathless when you pull away, remaining in each other’s arms as you gain your bearings. 
“Figured it out, did you?” he asks with the slightest smirk. 
Of course, with every passing instance that he’s reminded you of the mental walls you don’t seem to have with him, this was perhaps his end goal. You want to ask when he figured out you liked him before, wondering if he had known before you had in the first place. 
He doesn’t let you, though, as his smiling lips meet yours again, chasing the feeling that's come forth after months of waiting. 
You’ll find out the run down soon enough. For now, you give into him, believing in your ice-cold heart that Xu Minghao would never lie to you. 
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Taglist: @weird-bookworm @rubyreduji @vampirexlotita @simqly-yunjin @tomodachiii
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ganondoodle · 2 months ago
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since i have seen this argument pop up again and again and now its used to defend the minecraft movie
i really hate the argument that something, be it a movie or a game, can be as shitty as it wants when its primarily aimed at kids (or people THINK it is aimed mostly at kids) bc its 'just for kids'
like children are lesser an stupid? like they arent incredibly impressionable and deserve good movies? im not saying they should only watch critical acclaimed drama movies, but you can make a movie 'for kids' AND make it good, its been done before, sure there will always be shit movies, and thats fine, but dismissing any kind of criticism towards them bc "its just for kids" feels so unecessarily mean spirited towards children, like they are little people in wildly different stages of development!! they can think too!!
'kids' itself is such a wide range that i feel its not very useful as a category anyway, a 5 year old isnt the same as an 11 year old, both of them should get good things, and both can watch or play things they may not completely understand yet! i grew up with shrek, and while a big parody and haha fart humor movie, they (1+2) have an incredibly strong core, i didnt udnerstand them fully when i was little, so what? i still enjoyed them, i felt more connected to them than any disney movie (bc hey .. the monster is the main guy and no they dont all turn into conventionally pretty humans as the ultimate reward- i felt othered throughout my life too) and i still do, theres jokes and themes and meaning i understood fully only when i was rewatching them as an adult, i still enjoy them even at 27
and like, shouldnt it ESPECIALLY matter what children watch? (not in the puritan brain worm way) bc they are ... people in development?? do you think if they just sit down and watch shitty movies and play games that dont challenge them at all, be it thinking critically or emotionally, all day it wont have an affect on them??
(im sorry to bring up totk again, but that 'its for kids' argument has been used to defend it so much too, and its so incredibly annoying to me, ah yes, its puzzles are all skippable or easy as shit bc its main target are kids and children are stupid and shouldnt be challenged ever, the story is a simple fairytale type deal maybe to you, but contains alot of harmful stereotypes that have led to real world harm and its repeated unquestionably while offering nothing intersting to think or engage with, theres a reason alot of childrens media contains alot of stereotypes to propaganda even but its just for kids of course its not propaganda bc kids are stupid and cant understand that lol BECAUSE they are so impressionable, if a series 'for kids' only lets the girls be in frilly pink dresses and do 'girly' stuff do you not think that wil affect how they think about themselves??
if they keep seeing the light skinned blonde heroe stab the unquestioned evil arab stereotype bc he wants to take over your holy land bc hes just 'evil' and is never ever humanized in any way and only presented as a monster, while the good little maiden princess does everything she can to support her hero in shiny armor with big sad doe eyes and pretty little white dress- do you not think it will affect them? if it were an isolated incidence perhaps not much, but its a stereotype perpetuated to such a degree that you think its just 'how fairytales go'? yeah, you have been influenced by these portrayals, they are working as intented- and if they are used as such in media without the writer intending to influence you that way? thats even worse bc it means it has been so normalized to think that way people dont even realize it- while alot of real people in the world are ganondorf, they are demonized and dehumanized, others think of them as inherently evil.. but its just a "simple fairytale"
yes i know children can also question things on their own, but you shouldnt assume that comes naturally and then also in just the correct way, i questioned why i was just doing whatever the talking boat told me to do when i first played windwaker as a kid, but more bc i liked how ganondorf looked and hated being told things to do without a good reason being given (autism much?), 'evil' didnt do it for me, but that doesnt mean i knew he was an evil arab stereotype, i didnt like tetra turning white as zelda, bc i thought she looked cooler before and i didnt like 'girly' things myself, not bc i knew it was whitewashing
-not saying media should be free of anything 'problematic', the problem is how its presented and never questioned or engaged with critically and then that stupid argument being used to dismiss it like children are both unable to think and not influencable somehow-)
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kelocitta · 1 year ago
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In honor of the @rw-ship-showdown I wanted to write about Artihunter as someone who jokingly slapped them together pre-downpour and still thinks they are actually very compelling. Just not in the super soft love wins kinda way (Although I get why people like that more) And the only way I know how to do that is talking too much so heres a far too long slug essay-
Obviously the slugcats don't offer a ton of characterization but theres not nothing to work with. Their stories, whether by their roles in it or the overarching themes do provide a backbone to work with. Even gameplay itself can provide a bit. (for some more than others) Hunter, to me, is ultimately a story about selflessness. The goal is to revive Moon, which is very much an act of kindness from both Hunter and NSH. But the weight of that action is much more significant for Hunter- Hunter is deeply sick. They're on the clock, and for all their skill in combat none of that will ultimately help them to survive longer than their body can hold out. Moon is a close friend of NSH but that means little Hunter- Hunter really gets next to nothing out of helping them, and ultimately pays quiet a bit spending their limited time alive fighting to deliver that neuron so that someone else can live.
To spend ones limited days on helping another, in a game that very much stresses the unwavering cruelty of the world and nature- is pretty notable. (And you could even say that Hunter being the Hardmode of Rain World adds another layer to this)
And then we have Artificer. A storyline that very much stands out to people as more… villainous (so to speak) than the other slugcats. Artificer's story covers a lot of things. Trauma, violence, revenge, etc. Revenge is a bit of a selfish desire- That need to see someone hurt as they have hurt you. A punishment that ultimately does not fix whatever harm was done- but feels good to see because you were hurt and now those responsible share that pain.
Artificer's actions are founded in that need for revenge, their pups killed for overstepping boundaries they didn't know existed. Is it not fair for them to be angry at that, to punish the scavengers for their violence with their own? Why should the scavengers ever be forgiven when they and their pups were not? And that's how you get that loop- Harm for harm over and over.
The original action has been lost in a spiral of violence for violence. And here stands Artificer- their very spirit scarred. Not just because they sought revenge, but because they never ceased trying to scratch that itch for violence as an answer. Artificer only has two paths for their story- killing the scavenger king (Someone who, really, has little to do with the original 'crime' of the scavengers, but represents an important individual to them- as did the slugpups to Artificer), locking themselves as karma one for good and spending the rest of their life chasing creatures that no longer even fight back in a warped sense of closure- or to dissolve themselves in the acids of the void sea because they're too far gone to find any real peace.
They can't meaningfully recover from that state, not alone, twisting in on themselves. Even if they halt their actions, they've been using violence as a feeble defense against their own pain- violence that no longer has any real direction or basis. Artificer gets no real closure from killing the scavenger king. All they can do is continue the cycle, or try to scrub it away. No real peace in a prison of their own making. So you have a creature, who even with a strict timer on their life- a body that will crumble to disease, spends its last bit of time on saving another. And another who was so caught up in the pain of loss that were eaten alive by their own anger, poisoned their own soul on such a deep level even self-proclaimed gods have no solution for them. What peace can they offer each other? For Hunter, its only a fleeting moment of happiness- of selfish love, before their own body fails them. A bit of indulgence in something for themself. For Artificer, its a single, comforting thread to ground them again, something tangible to protect and care about again. But thats a thread that will ultimately be snapped under the cruel indifference of the world. Hunters timer will tick down regardless of if it takes another with it. Its a tragedy- its doomed to end badly. Whatever good it offers to either of them to find each other will only provide the fleeting comfort of a band-aid that will be ripped away too early. But all that can be worth indulging in anyway, if only for the moment. It doesn't change the ending, but the ending was never going to be happy. Its can so yuri
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redr0sewrites · 1 year ago
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Blade x reader General Headcanons (sfw + nsfw)
*gently hands this to you and then scuttles away like a large cockroach* not proofread so yea <\\\3 u can tell i have a blade bias <3
🥀CW: a little angst, blade is Bad At Feelings ™️, reader is sorta assumed to be a stellaron hunter, dom/sub dynamics in the nsfw, switch!blade, knife kink/pain kink, just filth tbh
🥀 minors dni with the nsfw portion
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sfw!
we all know bladie is RIDICULOUSLY emotionally constipated- if he likes you, he is in COMPLETE AND UTTER DENIAL
he will be staring into ur soul like he hates ur guts but the whole time his heart is pounding out of his chest
he has a very stoic face, it takes a while for u to learn to read him 😭
tbh ud prob think that he hates u for a while cuz he just stares at u
once u both get over the initial awkwardness of him constantly looming over u and hovering around u and staring at u, and once u realized that no, hes not creepy or insane he just wants to be around u, u guys would probably become close friends pretty quickly!
i dont think hes the type to jump into a relationship, his commitment issues get in the way
u would DEF have to be friends first, but he would still be enamoured with u
very observant, he notices all of the little things u do
one of the very first things that tips u off to the fact that he has romantic feelings towards u would probably simply be the fact that he literally cares SO MUCH about ur life and routine
hes memorized ur schedule, how u make ur coffee/tea, what ur favorite movies and shows are, he can tell when ur sad or stressed, he just finds comfort in learning details about u
he prefers to listen in conversation rather than speak, he can listen to u for hours
if u like something or are interested in something, suddenly he is too and he wants to learn all about it
at this point all the other stellaron hunters are rooting for u two to get together
kafka would try to set u both up like all the time
shes never seen blade so devoted to someone
whenever u walk in the room, he always seems to light up a little in excitement
i honestly feel like he would confess first but only for the sake of kafka not telling u before he does💀
it would probably be after an especially tiring or exhausting mission, after the maras been making him feel shitty
blade always feels so safe around u and he would just suddenly blurt out the fact that hes in love with u
after the initial shock, when u tell him the feelings are reciprocated hes ECSTATIC
but wont show it
he'll just let out a small (but cute): smile and nod
kafka, sam, and silverwolf are in the background recording the whole thing 💀
hes awkward at first
SUCKS AT PHYSICAL CONTACT TBH
blade's love language is def acts of service
he loves doing things for you and he loves helping u, it makes him proud to know that he can help make u feel safe
will fucking destroy anyone who hurts u
like actually destroy
nobody had ever seen blade so angry or ruthless as the day u were hurt on a mission
afterwords hes cradling u in his arms, clinging to u like ur gonna disappear😭
he knows how fleeting mortal lives are and hes genuinely so afraid of losing u
hes not good at talking things out or expressing his feelings
hes also not great at apologizing but he will try for u and only for u
arguments with him kinda suck cuz he can be stubborn and doesn't understand emotions
blade would feel terrible afterwards tho
would probably sit next to u and just take ur hands in a silent apology and gently run his thumb in a soft circle on ur palm
he likes it when u wear his clothes, he can be possessive and seeing u in his (probably much larger) clothes makes him a little feral
overall, u guys have ur ups and downs, but are ultimately a power couple and he loves u sm what can i do to find me a blade smh
nsfw!
SWITCH ENERGY‼️
when hes dom, hes MEAN
blade can talk so filthy sometimes, his voice is so deep and rough and when hes got you folded in half, ruthlessly pounding into u theres nothing u love to hear more than his scornful voice switching from degradation to praise <3
into marking on both ends, he loves seeing u covered in hickeys and scratches but also enjoys being littered in stinging marks for him to admire later
i feel like blade would like positions where he can be close to u when hes dominant, such as mating press or missionary
SIZE KINK! if ur smaller thank him, he love love LOVES to use his larger stature and weight to pin u down
seeing u squirm and writhe helplessly beneath him turns him on
will pin ur wrists above ur head, leaning down to whisper the filthiest words in ur ear, the entire time his cock is thrusting so fast in and out of ur leaking hole, ur mind is melting to mush at the stimulation. on top of that, his free hand is roughly playing with ur cock/clit, while he nips and bites roughly at ur neck. its all so much, too much...
rahh i went off there for a sec
anyways <3
blade wouldn't understand the hype to exhibitionism until the both of u got together
the two of u r fucking in a storage closet while people outside r just continuing their everyday lives, his hand clamped roughly over ur mouth to silence u, but that doesnt stop his own breathy moans and growls from slipping through
i also think blade would have a knife kink, hed find sick, twisted pleasure in running a knife over ur soft skin as u squirm
hed never actually hurt u, he could never do that
u both def have a safeword
but the idea is still arousing
he isnt as vocal when dom when hes sub, when hes dom its more low growls and groans and moans while when hes sub its more moaning and whimpers and whines
when hes sub, hes so into pain
if u pull his hair, this man will immediately submit
HE HAS AN ORAL FIXATION IF U HAVE A COCK HE WOULD ADORE TO SPEND EVERY WAKING HOUR SUCKING ON IT. if ur exhausted and want to keep blade occupied (cuz his stamjna is INSANE), give him two of ur fingers to suck on<3
he just looks so pretty with ur fingers in his mouth, a small trickle of drool leaking past his parted lips as he stares up at u in utter adoration with lust filled eyes
blade is SO LOUD when u fuck him from behind, he doesnt know why he just finds it so hot
he also has a reverse size kink, someone as small as u taking control of him and using him for ur own pleasure is such a turn on
he has such insane stamina, he could have u fucking him for literal hours and still want more
esp when hes sub, there needs to be a lot of foreplay leading up to the actual sex or else he will be needy for like ever
is actually so touch starved its funny, when the two of u had ur first time where he was sub he came in under a minute
he was super embarrassed, even tho u found it super hot
blade can be a tease if he wants to be, sending u photos of him naked with his hand wrapped around his aching cock, eyes blown wide with lust<3
he thinks punishments are hot, but prefers to be praised and pampered
call him a good boy, he will MELT
he wants to be good for u so much, he needs u to get himself off its almost pathetic :( he cant cum without u there helping him, whenever hes needy and ur not around he always ends up in a puddle of his own arousal, his release slipping away as soon as it begins to build. his cock is aching, he needs u, he cant even get off alone
after sex is when hes most vulnerable, blade is very kinky and mellow after sex esp when he was sub
big on aftercare, deep down he wants to be taken care of and held
he also loves taking care of u, loves washing u as u bathe together after a rough night of lovemaking
he loves it when u mark his chest cuz he can show it off the next day
blade wants everyone to know ur his, and vice versa
THIS GOT SO LONG WTF???
BARK BARK BARK can u tell i have such a big fat stupid fucking blade bias hes so silly i love this goofy man sm i need to pepper him with kisses and then fuck him senseless 😔
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aalien-s · 1 year ago
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I cant stop thinking about trolls, specifically Floyd. Finally decided to just go wild and draw fanart. Im going insane over this little guy
HE IS THE SIZE OF MY FINGER
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Pretty short theory/rant under cut
I also really love the idea that he’s been hanging out with the rock trolls since the brothers separated. It could even kinda make sense. His looks kinda remind me of something you could see a rock troll looking like, just mess up his hair a bit. Ofc he has wayy too bright colors to be a rock troll, but he was born as a pop troll. (I can just imagine how much he would stand out oml.) Not to mention, Prince D said in the second movie that trolls can enjoy more than just one type of music. He was also apparently kidnapped 2 months prior to the movie, and the second movie was just a week before the third, meaning Floyd had been missing for 1 month and 3 weeks by the time of the second movie. Someone would probably try to look for him, but after a while of no signs they could’ve just assumed him dead and given up. By the time of the movie the rock trolls wouldn’t even think to ask anyone of the other tribes about him, because he’d been missing for a while and because the whole rock-apocalypse was going on. Only reason i can see it not working is if the rock trolls were against any type of music the entire time and either would’ve just kicked him out or forced him to only play rock (which i don’t believe Floyd would be able to do). Really going into theory mode here: Floyd showing up could be what made Queen Barb find out about the other tribes and first get the idea of the world tour, but only starting to plan it after Floyd disappears and they fail to find him.
I would also love if this was true and every time Floyd plays rock music he gets aggressive and scares the sht out of his brothers lol.
I literally came up with the oc as i drew this, i just wanted some random guy for the pose and suddenly i had a character. He’s just someone that basically clung himself to Floyd immediately when he got to the village. Bro’s kind of a bully but he’s also a loser. (Just wanna say I’m not the type of person that ships ocs with canon, and i’m not doing it here) They end up having a sort of rivalry, as Floyd gets better at Rock and manages to mix it with his pop, he gets a bit popular. Meanwhile Brick has never really tried to gain an audience, but when Floyd gets followers and Brick was already challenging him, he ultimately gets some attention too. They sort of team up and become a duo, but they ensure that they’re still rivals. Inevitable though, they become friends, hang out a lot, sing and dance, like normal trolls. Brick teaches Floyd some specific things about rock and Floyd tells him about his tribe and brothers. Brick would be the devastated when Floyd got kidnapped and would be the last to stop searching. (Never stopped hoping he was alive though). Of course though, he is a rock troll and theres no way he would show how much he cares about Floyd.
Im currently working on colored designs of Brick and Rock!Floyd
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howlsofbloodhounds · 2 months ago
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TW: SENSITIVE TOPICS??
Because Color canonically almost died. (if it weren't for Gaster having to pick up the broken pieces that were left of him when trying to escape the void) do you think Color would be this desperate and suicidal for freedom? Has he gained his kindness to save Killer from knowing how it feels to be caged in pits of despair and darkness?
-COUGHZ.. one of your mutuals:3 (GUESS WHICH ONE!!)
i cannot guess because i cannot handle being publicly wrong and also embarrassed ever. /hj
but i am also not good at remembering moot names except for a few, and also i have a moot with a typing quirk where the ‘s’ in words are replaced with Z’s. Like thiz. so that stands out.
but i can only think of 3 moots rn who talk about color as much as i do (theres probably more but these r all i can remember). those are Ozzie, toffee, and ano. but i ultimately have no way of knowing 😔. I don’t appreciate being put on the spot like this, anon. /lh
and i dont think he gained kindness from this exactly, but rather his experience gave him first hand understanding of the feelings—he can tell when someone is only doing or saying they want something because it’ll appease others, convincing themselves they want it too, and so that makes everything okay.
i think he is always pretty kind, even without understanding something or someone, but his understanding and his perseverance and patience in trying to understand is what stands out to killer particularly. his kindness also stands out a lot too, but so does the sense of intense injustice color feels on his behalf.
so i think its a mix of personal understanding, perseverance in trying to understand when he fails to initially, kindness, and his sense of justice (such as his belief that another’s autonomy should always be respected and protected) that spurs him into trying to find a right way to approach killer. his bravery to keep trying and integrity are spurred on by the more he starts to understand, and relate.
so i think that even if color couldn’t personally relate, he’d still try to save killer—because he can see how it feels, all over his face. he can see how his words do not match his actions do not match his facial expressions. but it’s because he knows how it feels, has experience with it, that he gets anywhere with killer at all. because that understanding signaled safety for stage 1.
which was another big hang up killer had with swap—that swap didn’t, couldn’t, know what he feels, despite how swap claimed to know how killer “doesn’t want this” and “wants to saved.”
because how in the world could swap know these things about killer, when he himself doesn’t even know what he wants. color understands this, and how it feels—and he doesn’t approach killer from a “i know what’s good for you” angle.
he’s able to see that killer doesn’t truly want what he says he does in Stage 2 (that he’s not happy with what he currently has and what he currently does, despite all his claims about the fun he’s having and the player wants it so he wants it, and how nightmare “asked” him to, and he wants this he wants this and every single rational he can come up with that’ll make it all okay and something he chose to do rather than something he couldn’t even say no to) and he attempts to get him to admit that and be honest with himself for once, but he doesn’t ever say killer has to do this, or do that, or think this. just that he should stop hurting himself for others—something color knows all too well.
it is killer that asks to be saved, because he wants to be. and he tells color this because he can tell that color understands—which is also probably the reason why killer kept trying to push him away.
why he keeps pushing him away in stage 2–because killer definitely wouldn’t like someone trying to understand him when he’s like that. his whole thing is trying to remain unpredictable, and not give anyone any power or control over him—especially not over his mind.
he just needs awhile to realize and trust that color has no intentions to cause him harm, and isn’t trying to hurt him by “taking away” what he knows and rather it is what he knows that is hurting him.
Alexa, play Hey Ya! by OutKast.
off topic, but i love that color never rushed killer to make any type of choice—just was there to help, support, and challenge him. make him aware how the situation he’s in now isn’t helping him at all and it doesn’t have to be that way, that theres always something new out there and he’s willing to show him—however long it takes, whenever he’s ready, if killer ever wants it. that this life isn’t the only option left available to him.
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1800-page-not-found · 1 year ago
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Being drunk and complaining how you think your bf/gf is prettier than you (genshin men+women x fem reader) PART 3
ITS THE HARBINGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Not doing scaramouche cuz i already did in part 2
Dottore, Columbina, Sandrone x reader (seperate)
TW: implied unhealthy relationship (for dottore bc that man does not treat anyone like a human being, i have mixed feelings about that guy), and id like to state that i do NOT support toxic relationships.
Making another part for the other harbingers bc im really sleepy rn and I just wanna give you guys something because I havent posted in a long time.
The next part contains Pantalone, Tartaglia, Arlecchino x reader (seperate)
Maybe i'll do Signora, Pierro, and Capatino? but Capatino wears a mask??? wtv lol
Please note that you may not like "[name]"s personality, as it may differ from yours.
You had met Zandik when he was a scholar at the Akademiya, before he was expelled for his crimes and immoral acts. Fortunately, unlike the last girl who had fancied him, Sohreh, he did not mutilate your body, because somehow in that rather small and close to non existing heart of his, was you.
But unfortunately, you could not escape his unhinged mindset. You relied too much on the Akasha System. When he did get expelled, you followed with him. After all, thats what the Akasha showed which was best for you. Hundreds of years went by, and he became a powerful harbinger. He still gave you freedom, to some extent. So how did you wind up at his office, crying and drunk?
"Zandik" You cried.
You were ultimately weak in the mind due to your heavy dependency that Dottore had created for you. He smiled as you cried into his shoulder, dampening his clothes.
"Yes dear? What happened for you to come crying to me?" He was your white knight.
You quickly learned that somehow, dottore would always save you, relieving you of your agony. Like he did with the ruin machines when they found Sohreh's body.
"O-one of your clones said you didn't love me and you had another woman…" you hiccup in between your words.
"My dear, do not fret, there are no other women in my life besides you. Why would I require someone else? Those clones can be quite troublesome, and not all of them are friendly. I apologize for their behavior." He soothed you, patting your back. 'Yes, yes...let it all out,' he thought. His clones were doing well, their original sole purpose was to create insecurities and confusion in your mind.
"But-But, I'm not even that pretty, even you're prettier than me! Theres plenty of women who are better than me-what if you dont love me one day?" You mumble, your head still lying on his shoulder.
"Darling, I have to say, I am surprised by your irrational behavior. My affection for you is undeniable, and the fact that you would suggest otherwise is quite hurtful..." Your eyes widened.
Oh, how could you hurt him like that?! After everything he's done for you?...
"No-no! I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, I-"
"Do you trust me [name]?" He cuts you off.
"Huh? Of course I do!"
"Good, now please can we move on? If we continue to talk about this, my heart will ache even more." He starts to make an expression that he knows will make you feel guilty. You've really fallen deeper into the rabbit hole now.
--------
Columbina had saved you at your lowest, and you had devoted your every fiber of yourself to her. You decided to get stronger, your sole motivation being paying back your benefactor. Well, that was until the angel-like harbinger said you could pay her back by forming a relationship with her.
You did start off as friends, but that slowly spiraled into a more intimate relationship. You promised to be there for her whenever and wherever, but really, does the harbinger who's ranked third really need protecting?... I mean, you're so much weaker than her, how can you protect her when she's in danger?
That thought slowly grew in your mind-you can't help but just let it all out when drunk on the fine vodka Columbina had brought back for you and her to enjoy...until well, you drank the whole bottle.
You stared at the empty bottle in your hand that once held the highest quality of vodka.
"[name], my dear, what's on your mind?" Columbina spoke softly, her voice sounding like a lovely melody in your ears.
"Mmmm...I don't wanna bother youuu..." You dragged out your words, slurring your speech.
Columbina stood up from the couch and took the bottle out from your hands and gently placed it on the glass coffee table, making a small 'kling' sound. She sat back down and held your hands, which were rather cold so she decided to warm them up.
It was strange how she always kept her eyes closed, but no matter what always aware of her surroundings. This only increased your insecurity, after all, only one with great strength could do such things...and you couldn't.
"[name]." She let go of your hands and placed hers on your cheek, and kissed you softly. "Your thoughts will never be a bother all right? I'll always be there to protect you and be by your side." She smiled at you warmly.
You started to cry, the alcohol heightening your emotions. "That's-that's the thing!" You let out a sob, wiping your tears. "I-I don't want to just rely on you, I want you to rely on me too! But, I'm so much weaker than you and, and you excel in everything! You're smart, strong, independent, and so, so much prettier than me and everyone, you deserve so much better than me I-" Your rant was cut short when Columbina kissed you again softly.
"Oh, [name], I never knew you felt this way, I want you to know that I rely on you every single day, there is not a single moment where I don't rely on you. I know you probably don't believe it, but you make me feel so happy. I don't care if you think that I outshine you, because in my eyes you're the most beautiful and amazing person in the entirety of Teyvat. You're perfect in my eyes just the way you are, and no one else can take that spot." Her voice really soothed you, and as she spoke, you stopped crying.
"R-really? You mean it?..." You sniffled, wiping your tears off your face.
"Yes, now please, there's no need to cry anymore alright?" she kissed your forehead and held you in a warm embrace on the couch.
"Mhm…alright, thank you, I love you…" You rubbed your eyes, tired from crying and fell asleep in Columbina's arms.
Once you were sound asleep, Columbina picked you up, carrying you in her arms bridal style and set you gently on the bed, making sure you're comfortable before crawling into the bed and cuddling with you.
The next day, you woke up, eyes puffy and not a single memory of last night. When you asked your lover, she just giggled and walked away, leaving you confused.
--------
Sandrone was an interesting character. When you first met, you had actually died. Well more like on the verge of death. Somehow, for some reason, she had saved you, as she had basically turned you into part automaton.
You were supposedly her 'puppet', but, puppets don't act this human. You were crazy for confessing your love to her, the harbinger who was known for only caring about her own works, and having a god awful personality to come with it.
Well, fortunately for you, you did count as one of her works, so perhaps that was the reason why she accepted your confession and you two started being in a relationship?...you still couldn't wrap your mind about this, you were really happy to say the least.
Today, you had practically begged her to come with you to have a picnic and stargaze. She was being quite stubborn. But of course, she couldn't outmatch your own stubbornness and you, thus she gave in.
You were so excited, yet here you were, sitting on the blanket, extremely drunk. You smiled at her, all giggly and bubbly as you wrapped yourself around her arm, hugging her.
Sandrone sighed and frowned, she stopped her work just for this? I mean, it was you... (She'd never admit to loving spending time with you, she's gotta keep her reputation up... but everyone knows, even you, that she has an extremely soft spot for you (and only you.))
"[name]...quit staring at me like that!" sandrone flicked your forehead, earning an 'owwww' from you.
After recovering from the ferocious attack, you laughed and smiled. "But you're just sooooo pretty! I can't keep my eyes off you, the prettiest girl in Teyvat!"
You lowered your voice to a whisper "I think you're prettier than me, all the other harbingers, and the Tsaritsa- Ow!"
She slapped the back of your head. "I will not allow you to speak of her majesty the Tsaritsa like that, [name]!"
She crossed her arms and turned her head away from you, looking angry.
Although, her words seemed to contradict her statement just now. She spoke quietly under her breath, "plus, youre the most prettiest girl in Teyvat, [name]..."
You perked up, perhaps having heightened senses was a good thing. "I heard that!" You shouted and smiled. "You really think that-"
"W-what?! No! You must be imagining things!" She yelled back at you. "Damn it, I shouldn't have heightened your sense of hearing too! Ugh!"
All you did was laugh teasingly at her frustration and embarrassment getting caught being nice, specifically to you. Until you blacked out from the alcohol. That reallllllllyyyy freaked her out, as she frantically carried you back home. (Well, the only reason she showed her 'nicer' side was really due to the only witness being her modified automaton.)
You had slept for a whole day before waking up at noon, with a god awful hangover, causing you to throw up.
(Sandrone ordered one of her machines to take care of you in secret and report to her every hour about your status.)
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uhhhitsme · 1 month ago
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thinking so hard about agent curt mega i sort of am losing my shit because he just cares so much. about saving the world. about other people. about being the saviour he thought he was always meant to be. about owen. and how throughout the show we see curt struggle so much trying reckon with all that feeling, that vulnerability, and ultimately that grief. and his humanity.
right from the moment the curtains part, and we meet curt, we are greeted by the the thing that defines most of curt's personhood---his cool, cocky persona as a spy. as a hero, in his eyes---throwing himself into the heat of action to defeat the bad guys, "overthrow" an evil power, "save the world again." he and owen handle bombs and murder men like its nothing, grinning as they fight guards and are pursued by enemy agents. they're the definition of confident, competent, strong. the best in the field. its the thing he takes most pride in, boasting about his success and skill, actively making things harder for himself and owen just for the fun of it. he presents himself entirely as this one dimensional character---the good guy. the one who gets things done, who saves the world, the brave, daring hero of this story that you trust to do the right thing.
and then owen falls. and in one, full swoop, that image---that thing that curt prides so much of himself on---is blown to bits. because owen falls, and its his fault, and seeing the body of his partner laying broken on the ground is too much for him to bear, so he runs. he isn't brave. he isn't selfless. in the one moment that it really, truly mattered, he could not save the man he loved. he could not do the right thing. he wasnt the person that he had so desperately tried to be. and i think that haunted him, afterwards---that moment of selfishness, that moment where he was a coward. he ran and left his partner behind to save his own skin, because he was afraid, and he didnt know what to do. because at the end of the day, he's not just a tool for his government or this flawless, incredible spy. he's human, and he made irredeemable mistakes, and theres nothing he can do to fix it.
so when he comes back to spying, when he gets that second chance to try again---he wants to escape his humanity entirely. he refuses to acknowledge his fear, refuses to let go of what is ultimately a hopeless mission, is cocky and brash and everything he thinks a spy needs to be. he can't let himself feel, can't let himself acknowledge his emotion, cant let him confront how much he cares, because thats what made him kill owen. he can't live with being anything other than that untouchable hero he has always tried to be. at his core, he wants, desperately, to be good. to be the man that the world looks up to, righteous and fearless and the protector you can rely on, the american hero---not the deeply flawed, deeply human gay man he is, who would be shunned and criminalized if anyone knew. he needs to be good, to mean something, so much that he cannot bear trying to be anyone else.
and so he tries, and tries, and tries. and it ends with a bullet in the brain of the man he loves, and a mission he was always doomed to never complete, and the failure of not being the person he never could've been in the first place. he cared. so much that it made him unravel.
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